dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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