I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
