Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
