i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize