its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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