Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Randomize
