I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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