I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
