It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize