Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
