she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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