well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
