I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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