I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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