i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
