I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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