woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
