i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize