Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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