that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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