so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
