This dress was meant to end up on your floor
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
