im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
