i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
