Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
