I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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