I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
