Your face is a jimmy john
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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