Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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