my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
