she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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