I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
