the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
