last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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