if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
