3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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