I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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