I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
