using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
