Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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