I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
