I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
