everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
