Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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