I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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