It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
