This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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