my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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