I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
