When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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