I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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