its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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