Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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