He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
