I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Are my feet made of real feet?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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