We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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