What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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