You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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