You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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